To the One who Has My Heart

To the One Who Has My Heart, thank you for coming into my life. 2018 was by far one of the most bittersweet years I have. Broke up with my 5year long time relationship in exchange for his friends. He chose to give up on me despite the many years we had together. You thought that certain person would be your own definition of forever, but somehow, life has its way of separating beings regardless of how they've managed to be together for quite so long. Life really is ironic, isn't it? 

But then here you are, you came by,

in the most unexpected time.

in the most unexpected place.

We started out as friends, well the casual type of friends who got intertwined because of the many mutual friends we have. I could still remember the 1st time I saw you, it was on that night I invited you to be one of the judges in the event I was tasked to organize being the Head of the Cultural Arts and Events. I never even have the slightest feeling for you that time, but my soul, just went like, "Oh there you are" and then you smiled. I was just so thankful you saved me from the embarrassment I was supposed to face when our Governor found out I lacked one of the judges for my events. Thanks to my CUA-Family who got my back that time, Eli, Gelu & Kyung. You guys are the best!!

After a week, news came up to me, something, a woman like me wouldn't want to be involved with so I distanced myself from you.

Weeks have passed, now I caught myself texting you again, maybe because it was that shirt you promised me, or maybe, just maybe, it's because there's something more, something deep.

We went to the beach, I saw how empty you are and I just couldn't help but feel so fragile and vulnerable because I also had my heart broken from this guy I am inlove with for 5 years. 

Somewhere, in the place unknown, we felt the ocean breeze touching our faces and the sound of the waves crashing. The stars were shining brightly, and I loved how the moon illuminates the entire place. You and I, sitting in the sand with beers in our hands, talking about random stuffs, how we managed to escape the toxic life of the city and how we laughed at our silly jokes, so I’m beginning to think, was this all real or was this all in my head? Because if it’s real, how I wish this moment would never have to end.

Now here's the best part, you introduced yourself to me, you told me "a person like me deserves to be known in a place like this" and that got me…...weak.

You talked about your life, your experiences and what made you so strong to have come this far. For a person like me, I never expected you'll share your life story in that instant, you see? I didn't know what you found in me that you got so comfortable of, but that didn’t matter anymore, because I was so caught up with you.  

You were a soul person, just like me.

I can tell from the way you look, how you handle things and how you analyze situations & ideas. I am a paradox, a hopeless romantic and an old soul trap in this millennial body and you were an artist who paints, who transforms your feelings into art. You had been so fearless all your life fighting your demons and fighting your problems single-handedly without asking help from anybody. You've learned from your mistakes in the past which you cannot undo yet brave enough to face and fix it, eyes wide open. 

The familiarity, the similarities..

the rawness of the emotion,

the level of deepness we shared..

It was like I saw myself in you, a reflection of me, I never thought would exist.

And you… you understand me.

Not the one who understands the shallow parts of me but the deepness I possess - the inner me.

I don't know but I just couldn't trust a person like that easily, I've learned the hard way, that I should never trust someone again. Because Love? is just a stupid idea made by stupid people, because I know somewhere deep in my soul .....Love never lasts. 

Months have passed, we went out with our friends, hanging along, they were all super fun & good memories and slowly, in time, I felt the spark between us, growing, lighting like a firecracker, electrifying every single cells in our body, from our skin down to our bones. You should know that your magnetic field is a little too strong... it attracts the repulsive parts of me. 

and I, I continue to study you.

You didn't noticed that I bet, because I am so good at faking my emotions, even faking my actions, just to hide the reality that I am beginning to be fascinated by you.

But then again, when the day was soon to end and I'm alone in my room, thoughts were flooding and my heart was telling me that I should keep my walls up high, even higher because I just couldn't put my heart at risk...again.

In the darkened room, I closed my eyes and prayed to God earnestly that if He will going to give someone like you to me, and if this someone is worth all the risks, then I have to find and heal myself first before the situation complicates because I cannot afford hurting another person. So I cried myself to sleep, till it hurts no more.

You may wonder what it felt like dating a broken girl with trust issues.

Could you lengthen your patience? Could you be more understanding till she heals?

Only God and time will tell. 

August, September, October you confessed your feelings and you asked for my permission if it's okay to court me. Without any hesitation, I said "YES". I was shocked with myself that time, how could I utter those words so easily? Is this a new chapter I am sensing? Well maybe it's just me, turning the pages but not closing the book.

I guess that's just how life goes, isn't it? We moved on from all the hurts and the pains from our past, we forgive, forget, grow, evolve and try to see light once more from the people who try to knock at our door. 

WE HEAL. 

It was one of the most magical moments in my life, believe me it’s true. From all the surprises, photographs, balloons, unplanned travels, goodmorning/goodnight texts, simple Hellos, cakes, flowers, candlelight dinner dates, coffee dates, visiting art exhibits, going on a date in the Hilltop, down to walking me home in the Twin Road hihi ^^.. You did all these, even if I haven't given you my response yet, and that I adore you. I don’t like to say it this way because it may sound so cliché, but I couldn’t deny that I’m falling in love with you.

It absolutely is the little things in life that play a huge part in our lives. So I opened up my heart again, even if it still has scars and stitches from the past, I handed you the key.

We went on dating in private for almost a year; I'd like to stay that way. You, Me, Us in a low-key relationship.

2018 was almost over, so I decided to give it a try and ask permission from my parents, siblings even my relatives. Trusting the magic of New Beginnings.

We made our relationship official last December 15. I am just super thankful to everyone who were there during our highs and lows, to the friends we've made and to the people who got our backs. Thank you guys, you are all amazing. SML. 

Today is your birthday and I just couldn't fathom how time flies so fast. I just want you to know, how Blessed and Happy I am for meeting someone like you, and to have you as my boyfriend, was surreal & wonderful. You are a blessing from Above. My own definition of knight in shining jeans and Tshirt. I felt that Life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything that has happened has its own reason and if these didn’t occur, I could have not met you after all. It was a rollercoaster ride, we faced a lot of trials, fights, arguments & battles but know that I had the best time of my life, fighting dragons with you. 

To this amazing guy, my soul person, my best friend, my one true artist, my favorite human, the cheeziest one. 

Thank you for taking care of me and for always putting up with my attitude. Thank you for giving me warm hugs during melancholic times. I know I've been a headache to you, but you never gave up on me and please don't ever change.

You were always this cool, mysterious, moreno guy who happened to be blessed with long hair, beautiful eyes & brows not to mention your thick lashes I am envious of. You are so gorgeous; I can't say anything to your face. You’re fond of making faces to which I find hilarious but also is the reason why I laugh so hard, my stomach hurts, and I appreciate every corny jokes you talk about just to make me smile every time I had a bad day. You like to paint & creative enough to design shirts and costumes. I could say, you are one of the most talented guys I’ve ever met. You love to scoot, in fact you even have one, it’s your sport and it’s your escape and I have no problem with that because you know for a fact that I have always been supportive in everything you love and are passionate about. Despite and in spite everything, thank you mylove, and happy happy birthday, 

I love you my rock bottom. 

All the love,

Zy

What a Journey!

This will be quite lengthy.

College life has never been easy, no one has ever told me it’s going to be easy. I went to 2 universities, first in MSU-Naawan where I took Marine Bio and later on I transferred to MSU-IIT to pursue my pre-med course. BS-BIO (GEN BIO).  College taught me that Education isn’t a gun held to your head, it’s a weapon in your hands and it’s one thing that can never be taken away from you.

Life there in the city, in a new school, in a big university was arduous. It took me a year to finally be able to embrace the adjustments , met a lot of friends, people you never thought would mean so much to you, and friends who became family. I’ve experienced things that inspired me and the things that I never quite come to terms with. Some people would discredit and underestimate you, people who would try to bring you down, people who are toxic, people who give you pain and heartbreak (if you know what I mean) and those people who are negative and energy-draining person who are wired for negativity. Know that they exist for a purpose and it is to test your character, patience and motivate you to strive  harder to become the person you are meant to be.

A year ago, you did not know today. 

You did not know how you’d make it here. 

But you made it here.

 By God’s grace, you made it here

That’s when you shift your focus and appreciate those people who put great impacts in your life.

This time, I’m taking this moment to thank everyone who has been part of my journey.

First and Foremost, to my Personal Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ whom I consider my bestfriend – the one who gave me wisdom, guidance and strength and protection all throughout the days of my life. All glory and Honor was and is for Him.

To my ever-supportive, beloved family whom I consider as one of my source of strength, my prayer warriors Mama Aida, Papa Odong, Ate Mic2x, Ate Quing, Kua Ang, Kua Jhovy, Kua Yang, Ate Karen, Justin, Daeham and Kyle, to the rest of my relatives specially to my Aunts, Auntie Liza and Te Rosie for their love, patience, kindness and understanding, spiritual, moral and financial support. I love you all very much and this success is all for you.

To my thesis adviser and one of the most amazing professors I know Dr. Sharon Rose Tabugo-Rico, thank you maam for your guidance, encouragement and patience to us Team Fractals and the rest of the Sharon Babies. To Sir Macoy, I could never forget you sir, thank you for taking care of me during my 1st days in IIT  & to the rest of my Profs in IIT, who motivated me and inspired to do my best in everything that I do. Thank you all so much maams & sirs. 

To the “Team Shiftee” my squad and my family who welcomed me with open arms despite being a transferee, to Kharl, Jay, Ken, Pearl, Rick, Ate Zyra, Kem and Kuya Larry, for always being there in laughter and in tears, through crest and troughs. For all the fun and exciting moments we shared during college life, you guys remind me that family is not always by blood. It’s the people who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are and the ones who love you no matter what. Please do remember that you will always be a part of me I will never forget.

To the rest of the Bio People, My MB girls – Loucelle, Jeanie, Reres, Jc and Beth, “HS Squad”  “CSM-EC Co-Officers”, “CUACOM Friends” “Psalm Family”, the “Block61”, the “Pashnea Pips” Grey, Jez, Earth and to the rest of my friends and classmates, who have been part of the my college life, thank you for bringing colors, fun and adventure during my stay in  IIT. I will always thank the Lord for your lives, those memories we’ve shared will be treasured forever.

To my “Omohd Starrock Team” Ate Winky, Jethro and Kua Archi who have been my buddy in silliness together, the people who never stopped believing in me and the ones who taught me how to value time and friendship. Those ephemeral moments we’ve shared makes my college life all the more complete. Thank you so much Omoooohd!!!!

To my roommate, my photographer, my human diary and my best friend Geng JJ, you are my hope in this changing world. Even when I felt like the rest of the world had walked out, you stayed and you never left. Thank you for always being there when I need you most, I couldn’t imagine life without you. Please never change. To Ate Verce for the encouragement, kindness, love and support, for taking care and looking after me while I get stressed out from all the sleepless nights. I love you both so much.

And lastly, to myself.

Hey, remember the times you thought you couldn’t make it? The times you thought your world was about to end and all hope were lost? Remember all those sleepless nights and the 2month straight bilar from working in your thesis joined with studying ur endless quizzes and exams? And the times you tell yourself, you’re finally giving up?

Now here you are and you made it!

Though the road is lined with uncertainty, but you have took it step by step, you’ve given so much and you have worked so hard and fought so hard to so many things just to make it here. You’ve taken the leap and you have waited and not go into shortcuts, for though you were tired from the storms in life and such, you know that the God you worship and the one who gave you all these things will never leave you nor forsake you. Because, He’s the Supreme God and He knows all the plans he Has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “Jer.29:11”

I couldn’t be more proud of you self. Keep Believing and Never stop chasing your dreams.

ZY DADOLE PERPETUA

CUM LAUDE

Bachelor of Science in Biology Major in General Biology

Chairman of Culture and Arts

College Service Awardee

College of Science and Mathematics, MSU-IIT

2015-8334 now signing off!

To The Person Who Didn't Choose Me...

I wasn’t the one for you, and at first it hurt. But I’ve come to terms with the fact the stars weren’t aligned for us, and that’s OK. It took me a while to get to this point of content and there are things I want you to know:

I realize I wanted things I couldn’t have.

I wanted late mornings and nights in your embrace, I wanted to go on drives with you, and to laugh with you because I love seeing you smile. I wanted to give myself to you, to tell you how guarded I am and then let you in because I wanted you to be able to see a part of me that no one else does. I wanted to know more about your childhood and how you grew up to be who you are. I wanted to know your goals and aspirations, your personal heroes, and most importantly, I wanted to be yours. I wanted it so badly, but you didn’t choose me.

You missed out.

I could have given you everything and more. You didn’t even give me a chance, which if you did you would find I hate the feeling of velvet and that I’m the most claustrophobic person in the world. I publicly embarrass myself on the regular. I love to sing in the shower, I would dance with you in a torrential downpour because I'm a hopeless romantic, and that I have the ability to eat a pint of mint chocolate chip ice-cream without shame. I am who I am--no excuses, and I know you appreciate real people. If I learned anything about you… I did learn that. You would never have to question my loyalty to you, but I guess now you never will.

But, most importantly:

Thank you for not choosing me

I never thought I’d say these words, but thank you for breaking my heart and not choosing me. I realize that, because of you not choosing me, it’s going to be amazing when I’m someone else’s first choice.

One day, someone is going to feel for me the way I felt for you and you’ll be nothing more than a distant memory.

Thank you for coming into my life and making me realize that I am as strong and independent as I hoped I could be. For that, you taught me to choose myself, and I’ll continue to do that until someone comes around and makes me realize why it didn’t work out with you.

All this time I asked myself “what is wrong with me?” and “what does she have that I don’t?” and I realized that it has nothing to do with that. I wasn’t what you wanted, and that’s fine. You made me realize that I am going to be the perfect fit for someone else, and that someone is going to come along and choose me without thinking twice.

And just so you know, I didn’t necessarily choose you either — my heart did.

- z 💓

(c) Disclaimer